Uh... Hi.

Yeah, been a while since I came here hasn't it... old place is a little dusty.

Well, kids, I'm here to let you know that I'm shutting up shop and moving to a nicer part of town, called tumblr. the rent is a little bit more expensive but the utilities are thrown in for free... which is nice.

I'm making a promise to all three of my readers, that this new blog is going to be updated daily, come hell or high water. I'm also in the process of periodically moving posts from here to over there (On the days I come up dry) so you don't have to worry about losing one of your old TIHATW favourites.

So I'm asking you to join me on my merry quest across these internet tubes.

Here's the link... click it and bring me traffic.

http://boredwithporn.tumblr.com/

I'm not sure how comments work yet... but if you want to ask me/tell me something, just click the "Ask Me Anything" link on the left hand side and fire away.

Be seeing you.

#23 - Daddy Long Legs / Crane Flys

What is the point of you, Mr Long Legs? You serve no other purpose then to fly around, BADLY, bump into things, finding a mate to continue your species existence and generally creep me the hell out.

Ewwwwwwwww!!

You're of less use then the Platypus... at least we can laugh at them.

#22 - The Onslaught of Slutty Costumes at Halloween

I know I'm like 4 months too early, but I would have forgotten this by October... So deal with it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for the sexy costumes, whether it's to spice up your sex life or to "act" in certain specialised movies.
But once a year, can't you ladies put some originality into what you wear instead of picking something off the rack at 'Skanks R Us'?

I am very certain that 99.9% of women have done this, dressed up for Halloween as a slutty, skanky Nurse/Schoolgirl/Cop/Nun/Witch, rather then putting some effort into their costumes and going as something funny/scary... and it's getting old.
In an era where we can see tits for free and without much effort, do we really need some random drunk 'ho spilling out of her 3 sizes too small schoolgirl blouse whilst sluring "I've been a very naughty girl, headmaster" before passing out on the floor in a pool of her own (and in some cases other peoples) vomit?

Yes, you're a slutty nurse, again, just like last year,
and the year before that... *sigh*

Ladies, don't think that I don't apreciate your breasts, because I do... I REALLY do, but c'mon, make us work for it, you don't want us thinking you're easy (rumours get started that way).
And Halloween is also a time to show us that you're creative, make something cool out of that old brides maids dress, use that sewing kit that granny got you, take pointers off the internet, plan in advance, make something... cool.

Because hot, busty girls in school girl outfits are starting to bore me. (Okay, thats an obvious lie, but my point still stands.)

#21 - People who listen to music on their phones on public transport BUT DON'T use their earphones.

These kinds of people are spreading like a virus.

Every time you get on a bus, or a train, or a tram or whatever, you are guaranteed to find these people huddled up in a group, usually at the back of whatever mode of transportation you are on at the moment, talking loudly and obnoxiously, bobbing their heads to the tinny tunes blasting out of their mobile phones...

And their music sucks, it really sucks.

I can put up with the loud talking, I can put up with the obnoxious behaviour, but God made earphones for a reason and he wants you to use them.

They come in a variety of diffrent flavours for every customer.

Why do they do it? Okay, maybe you want your friend to hear a song that you deem awesome, but can't you just wait until you get of the bus? No one else cares to listen to the latest "smash hit" from DJ Louda-Than-Da-Otha-Guy, or whatever pseudonym is popular these days.

Most phones nowadays have Mp3 capabilities, meaning you can store X amount of songs on your little hand held device. But, most phones nowadays also come with a free pair of earphones so you can enjoy listening to your... noise. Even if you lose them or they break, it's not like they're expensive or hard to find, just toddle on down to your local music shop, put a bit of lose change on the counter and away you go.

So stop being dicks, use the earphones.

#20 - The Water Levels in 2D Sonic the Hedgehog Games

I'm a child of the 16-bit era, I popped my video-game cherry on the Mega Drive (Or Genesis for you Americans) with such games such as Road Rash, Desert Strike and Altered Beast (Kids, go ask your parents for a history lesson), but my all time favourite game of the 16-bit years was Sonic the Hedgehog.

Ah Sonic, how modern times have screwed you over (but that's a rant for another day)

Sonic was, and still is, a very simple game. It was about a Hedgehog called Sonic, who wore red trainers, ran at March 5, collected rings, discovered emeralds, freed woodland animals from their robot exoskeletons and defeated a mad scientist who had a love of eggs bordering on the erotic...

I said it was simple, not that it made sense.

It wasn't a relatively new concept, Hell, Mario had been rescuing princesses for a good 6 years before Sonic sped by, but it was the speed of the game, the intricate levels, the memorable characters and amazing graphics (for it's time) that drew me in.
I loved it, I bought the games, wore the clothes, watched the cartoons *shudder* and generally loved that little blue speed freak.

But as with any relationship, there's usually one thing the other person does that just annoys the living hell out of you.
For me and Sonic, it was the water levels.

"WHERE'S THE BUBBLE, WHERE'S THE BUBBLE, C'MON ONLY 2 SECONDS LEFT
C'MON, C'MON , THERE IT- OH YOU SONOVA BITCH!!"

I hated these levels, I still hate these levels to this day. You're slower, you can't jump as high, the bad guys are faster then you and you can also drown... YOU CAN EFF'IN DROWN!!
Apparently, as Sonic was learning to run faster then an F-15 can fly, he forgot to learn how to hold his breath under water. DAMMIT Sonic, even that fat Italian stereotype can hold his breath for a measly few seconds, why can't you?

These levels always infuriated me, there was never enough Air bubble things (the bubbles help sonic breathe... obviously) when you need them, if you miss a platform you're certainly going to have to go find another air pocket before you can try again because you'll run out of time other wise, and then when you do run out of time there's the countdown music...

Have a listen.
Follow that link and then come back.

THAT DOES NOT HELP! Christ, that music scared the crap out of me when I played this game, a game like this should not scare people... especially young children with over active imaginations. Hell, I'm surprised that I could take a bath without hearing that music in my head.

The water levels were not fun, they freaked me out and I'm sure they freaked out a lot of other people too, they are unsatisfying to play and just make me want to kill the game with a hammer.

I love Sonic. Sonic to me means childhood... but when I get to a water level, you can sure as hell bet I'll be breaking a few controllers in anger.

#19 - Walking Behind Smokers

I'm sorry friends of mine who smoke, but I'm coming after your hobby.

I don't care if people smoke, I really don't. Go buy your white sticks of death, feel free to pay for the chance to get lung cancer, emphysema and impotence in men, and go smoke in the comfort that you'll end up with discoloured teeth and bad breath for the rest of your life. Hey, that's your decision.

I actually feel sorry for smokers, what started out as a way to show the "bigger kids" that you were cool, has now become a symbol of oppression. Gone has your right to smoke in pubs and clubs, away with your dignity as you feed your craving in the freezing cold and rain, whilst the rest of us get drunker and more merry in the cozy warmth.
I feel for you, I really do... even when I'm pointing and laughing as you freeze to death, I still feel for you.

So you smoke as you walk. Thats fine, theres no where else for you to do it, so you might as well do it as you have a little jaunt down the street. But do you have to do it as I'm walking behind you?

EEEEEVIL, Evil little stick of death.

You may think, as you're puffing away on your white stick of lung destruction, that as you breathe out the foul smelling puff of toxic waste, it's just disapearing into the air, thining out into an odorless mess of particles that no one would ever pick out...

BUT NO, YOU'RE WRONG!

It blows behind you, thats right, it blows behind you into the unsuspecting face of those of us with clean lungs.
We hate it, it stinks, it makes us cough, it makes our eyes water and it's the last thing we want as we take our first big breath of the morning.

I get the fact that you have an urge to fill, that for most it's now an addiction for you to feed, so do it, I don't care.

Just don't blow the poison into my face after you're done with it, you'll be able to tell it's me... I'm the one behind you who looks pissed off.

#18 - People Talking During a Movie.

Picture the scene... You've paid your £8 and got your ticket, you've just declared bankruptcy after buying the jumbo size box of popcorn that the sales person swears is really their medium and a small coke that could see you through a trek through the sahara and still leave you with enough left over to sell off to dehydrated archaeologists, you've located your seat in the darkened room with the sticky floor, the lights go down, the picture starts, you've been waiting for this for the past 6 months and then...

"MICHELLE! I'VE FOUND OUR SEATS NEXT TO THIS ANGRY LOOKING BLOKE OVER 'ERE! NO LOVE OVER 'ERE... LOOK JUST CLAMMER OVER THAT MAN AND HIS FAMILY, BE SURE NOT TO DROP THE BAB- OH LOOK WHAT YOU DUN, YOU WOKE THE BABY AND HE'S CRYIN'! LOOK, JUST SIT DOWN, HE'LL SETTLE DOWN IN A MINUTE... OH WE'VE ONLY MISSED HALF AN HOUR, WE'LL CATCH UP... HEY, WHO'S THAT? WUT'S HE DUN THAT FOR? IS THAT THE BLOKE OFF THE TELLY? I KNOW HIM, HE'S THAT FELLA WUT DONE THAT THING THE OTHER YEAR, YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN, HE'S MARRIED TO WHAT'S 'ER FACE *insert annoying Nokia phone jingle here* HUP, THATS ME, NOW WHERES ME BLINKIN PHONE, OH HERE IT IS *answers* HELLO? OH YOU RIGHT DAVE? YEAH I'M JUST WATCHIN' A MOVIE WITH THE WIFE AND THE BABY... NO WE'RE AT THE CINEMA... NO IT'S OKAY I CAN TALK NOW... OH WE'RE SEEIN' THAT NEW FILM WITH THAT BLOKE OFF THE TELLY WHAT DUN THAT THING THE OTHER YEAR WHO'S MARRIED TO WHAT'S 'ER FACE... YEAH THATS 'IM... OH YOU SEEN IT? ...OH IT TURNS OUT HE'S ALREADY DEAD AT THE END?! FANCY THAT... HUP, GOTTA GO DAVE, THERES SOME FELLA TRYING TO STRANGLE THE LIFE OUT OF ME WITH HIS BARE HANDS."

I don't know why I pictured them having a Yorkshire accent...

They found her body 4 days later in a dumpster with 48 stab wounds in her back
her friends and family said "Meh, she always was a bitch".

Why do these people exist? Why hasn't Natural Selection taken these people out of the gene pool by now, what function do they serve in today's society? I mean, it's not as if they don't know not to shut up when they are in a cinema, it's just common courtesy. Why even pay the money if all you're going to do is talk all the way through it. If you want to get out and have a natter with a friend then go to a restaurant.
For God's sake, there's even a notice at the start of the movie asking you to turn off your phone and shut the hell up... It's not that hard.

Here are the rules for Movie Going:

1: Arrive with plenty of time to buy the ticket, buy your food, find your seat and settle down
2: Turn off your phone
3: TURN OFF YOUR GOD DAMN PHONE
4: Trailer time is open season, if you want to talk then do it now, you have between 15 and 20 minutes to say your peace now
5: When the movie starts, eyes front, mouths shut, and god help you if you need the toilet.

Learn them, live them, love them.

Now go eat your popcorn you mouthy bastards.