Things I Hate About The World

Uh... Hi.

2010-05-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

Yeah, been a while since I came here hasn't it... old place is a little dusty.

Well, kids, I'm here to let you know that I'm shutting up shop and moving to a nicer part of town, called tumblr. the rent is a little bit more expensive but the utilities are thrown in for free... which is nice.

I'm making a promise to all three of my readers, that this new blog is going to be updated daily, come hell or high water. I'm also in the process of periodically moving posts from here to over there (On the days I come up dry) so you don't have to worry about losing one of your old TIHATW favourites.

So I'm asking you to join me on my merry quest across these internet tubes.

Here's the link... click it and bring me traffic.

http://boredwithporn.tumblr.com/

I'm not sure how comments work yet... but if you want to ask me/tell me something, just click the "Ask Me Anything" link on the left hand side and fire away.

Be seeing you.

#23 - Daddy Long Legs / Crane Flys

2009-06-23T11:13:00.000-07:00

What is the point of you, Mr Long Legs? You serve no other purpose then to fly around, BADLY, bump into things, finding a mate to continue your species existence and generally creep me the hell out.

Ewwwwwwwww!!

You're of less use then the Platypus... at least we can laugh at them.

#22 - The Onslaught of Slutty Costumes at Halloween

2009-06-17T16:14:00.000-07:00

I know I'm like 4 months too early, but I would have forgotten this by October... So deal with it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for the sexy costumes, whether it's to spice up your sex life or to "act" in certain specialised movies.
But once a year, can't you ladies put some originality into what you wear instead of picking something off the rack at 'Skanks R Us'?

I am very certain that 99.9% of women have done this, dressed up for Halloween as a slutty, skanky Nurse/Schoolgirl/Cop/Nun/Witch, rather then putting some effort into their costumes and going as something funny/scary... and it's getting old.
In an era where we can see tits for free and without much effort, do we really need some random drunk 'ho spilling out of her 3 sizes too small schoolgirl blouse whilst sluring "I've been a very naughty girl, headmaster" before passing out on the floor in a pool of her own (and in some cases other peoples) vomit?

Yes, you're a slutty nurse, again, just like last year,
and the year before that... *sigh*

Ladies, don't think that I don't apreciate your breasts, because I do... I REALLY do, but c'mon, make us work for it, you don't want us thinking you're easy (rumours get started that way).
And Halloween is also a time to show us that you're creative, make something cool out of that old brides maids dress, use that sewing kit that granny got you, take pointers off the internet, plan in advance, make something... cool.

Because hot, busty girls in school girl outfits are starting to bore me. (Okay, thats an obvious lie, but my point still stands.)

#21 - People who listen to music on their phones on public transport BUT DON'T use their earphones.

2009-06-14T04:32:00.000-07:00

These kinds of people are spreading like a virus.

Every time you get on a bus, or a train, or a tram or whatever, you are guaranteed to find these people huddled up in a group, usually at the back of whatever mode of transportation you are on at the moment, talking loudly and obnoxiously, bobbing their heads to the tinny tunes blasting out of their mobile phones...

And their music sucks, it really sucks.

I can put up with the loud talking, I can put up with the obnoxious behaviour, but God made earphones for a reason and he wants you to use them.

They come in a variety of diffrent flavours for every customer.

Why do they do it? Okay, maybe you want your friend to hear a song that you deem awesome, but can't you just wait until you get of the bus? No one else cares to listen to the latest "smash hit" from DJ Louda-Than-Da-Otha-Guy, or whatever pseudonym is popular these days.

Most phones nowadays have Mp3 capabilities, meaning you can store X amount of songs on your little hand held device. But, most phones nowadays also come with a free pair of earphones so you can enjoy listening to your... noise. Even if you lose them or they break, it's not like they're expensive or hard to find, just toddle on down to your local music shop, put a bit of lose change on the counter and away you go.

So stop being dicks, use the earphones.

#20 - The Water Levels in 2D Sonic the Hedgehog Games

2009-06-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

I'm a child of the 16-bit era, I popped my video-game cherry on the Mega Drive (Or Genesis for you Americans) with such games such as Road Rash, Desert Strike and Altered Beast (Kids, go ask your parents for a history lesson), but my all time favourite game of the 16-bit years was Sonic the Hedgehog.

Ah Sonic, how modern times have screwed you over (but that's a rant for another day)

Sonic was, and still is, a very simple game. It was about a Hedgehog called Sonic, who wore red trainers, ran at March 5, collected rings, discovered emeralds, freed woodland animals from their robot exoskeletons and defeated a mad scientist who had a love of eggs bordering on the erotic...

I said it was simple, not that it made sense.

It wasn't a relatively new concept, Hell, Mario had been rescuing princesses for a good 6 years before Sonic sped by, but it was the speed of the game, the intricate levels, the memorable characters and amazing graphics (for it's time) that drew me in.
I loved it, I bought the games, wore the clothes, watched the cartoons *shudder* and generally loved that little blue speed freak.

But as with any relationship, there's usually one thing the other person does that just annoys the living hell out of you.
For me and Sonic, it was the water levels.

"WHERE'S THE BUBBLE, WHERE'S THE BUBBLE, C'MON ONLY 2 SECONDS LEFT
C'MON, C'MON , THERE IT- OH YOU SONOVA BITCH!!"

I hated these levels, I still hate these levels to this day. You're slower, you can't jump as high, the bad guys are faster then you and you can also drown... YOU CAN EFF'IN DROWN!!
Apparently, as Sonic was learning to run faster then an F-15 can fly, he forgot to learn how to hold his breath under water. DAMMIT Sonic, even that fat Italian stereotype can hold his breath for a measly few seconds, why can't you?

These levels always infuriated me, there was never enough Air bubble things (the bubbles help sonic breathe... obviously) when you need them, if you miss a platform you're certainly going to have to go find another air pocket before you can try again because you'll run out of time other wise, and then when you do run out of time there's the countdown music...

Have a listen.
Follow that link and then come back.

THAT DOES NOT HELP! Christ, that music scared the crap out of me when I played this game, a game like this should not scare people... especially young children with over active imaginations. Hell, I'm surprised that I could take a bath without hearing that music in my head.

The water levels were not fun, they freaked me out and I'm sure they freaked out a lot of other people too, they are unsatisfying to play and just make me want to kill the game with a hammer.

I love Sonic. Sonic to me means childhood... but when I get to a water level, you can sure as hell bet I'll be breaking a few controllers in anger.

#19 - Walking Behind Smokers

2009-06-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry friends of mine who smoke, but I'm coming after your hobby.

I don't care if people smoke, I really don't. Go buy your white sticks of death, feel free to pay for the chance to get lung cancer, emphysema and impotence in men, and go smoke in the comfort that you'll end up with discoloured teeth and bad breath for the rest of your life. Hey, that's your decision.

I actually feel sorry for smokers, what started out as a way to show the "bigger kids" that you were cool, has now become a symbol of oppression. Gone has your right to smoke in pubs and clubs, away with your dignity as you feed your craving in the freezing cold and rain, whilst the rest of us get drunker and more merry in the cozy warmth.
I feel for you, I really do... even when I'm pointing and laughing as you freeze to death, I still feel for you.

So you smoke as you walk. Thats fine, theres no where else for you to do it, so you might as well do it as you have a little jaunt down the street. But do you have to do it as I'm walking behind you?

EEEEEVIL, Evil little stick of death.

You may think, as you're puffing away on your white stick of lung destruction, that as you breathe out the foul smelling puff of toxic waste, it's just disapearing into the air, thining out into an odorless mess of particles that no one would ever pick out...

BUT NO, YOU'RE WRONG!

It blows behind you, thats right, it blows behind you into the unsuspecting face of those of us with clean lungs.
We hate it, it stinks, it makes us cough, it makes our eyes water and it's the last thing we want as we take our first big breath of the morning.

I get the fact that you have an urge to fill, that for most it's now an addiction for you to feed, so do it, I don't care.

Just don't blow the poison into my face after you're done with it, you'll be able to tell it's me... I'm the one behind you who looks pissed off.

#18 - People Talking During a Movie.

2009-06-03T14:10:00.000-07:00

Picture the scene... You've paid your £8 and got your ticket, you've just declared bankruptcy after buying the jumbo size box of popcorn that the sales person swears is really their medium and a small coke that could see you through a trek through the sahara and still leave you with enough left over to sell off to dehydrated archaeologists, you've located your seat in the darkened room with the sticky floor, the lights go down, the picture starts, you've been waiting for this for the past 6 months and then...

"MICHELLE! I'VE FOUND OUR SEATS NEXT TO THIS ANGRY LOOKING BLOKE OVER 'ERE! NO LOVE OVER 'ERE... LOOK JUST CLAMMER OVER THAT MAN AND HIS FAMILY, BE SURE NOT TO DROP THE BAB- OH LOOK WHAT YOU DUN, YOU WOKE THE BABY AND HE'S CRYIN'! LOOK, JUST SIT DOWN, HE'LL SETTLE DOWN IN A MINUTE... OH WE'VE ONLY MISSED HALF AN HOUR, WE'LL CATCH UP... HEY, WHO'S THAT? WUT'S HE DUN THAT FOR? IS THAT THE BLOKE OFF THE TELLY? I KNOW HIM, HE'S THAT FELLA WUT DONE THAT THING THE OTHER YEAR, YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN, HE'S MARRIED TO WHAT'S 'ER FACE *insert annoying Nokia phone jingle here* HUP, THATS ME, NOW WHERES ME BLINKIN PHONE, OH HERE IT IS *answers* HELLO? OH YOU RIGHT DAVE? YEAH I'M JUST WATCHIN' A MOVIE WITH THE WIFE AND THE BABY... NO WE'RE AT THE CINEMA... NO IT'S OKAY I CAN TALK NOW... OH WE'RE SEEIN' THAT NEW FILM WITH THAT BLOKE OFF THE TELLY WHAT DUN THAT THING THE OTHER YEAR WHO'S MARRIED TO WHAT'S 'ER FACE... YEAH THATS 'IM... OH YOU SEEN IT? ...OH IT TURNS OUT HE'S ALREADY DEAD AT THE END?! FANCY THAT... HUP, GOTTA GO DAVE, THERES SOME FELLA TRYING TO STRANGLE THE LIFE OUT OF ME WITH HIS BARE HANDS."

I don't know why I pictured them having a Yorkshire accent...

They found her body 4 days later in a dumpster with 48 stab wounds in her back
her friends and family said "Meh, she always was a bitch".

Why do these people exist? Why hasn't Natural Selection taken these people out of the gene pool by now, what function do they serve in today's society? I mean, it's not as if they don't know not to shut up when they are in a cinema, it's just common courtesy. Why even pay the money if all you're going to do is talk all the way through it. If you want to get out and have a natter with a friend then go to a restaurant.
For God's sake, there's even a notice at the start of the movie asking you to turn off your phone and shut the hell up... It's not that hard.

Here are the rules for Movie Going:

1: Arrive with plenty of time to buy the ticket, buy your food, find your seat and settle down
2: Turn off your phone
3: TURN OFF YOUR GOD DAMN PHONE
4: Trailer time is open season, if you want to talk then do it now, you have between 15 and 20 minutes to say your peace now
5: When the movie starts, eyes front, mouths shut, and god help you if you need the toilet.

Learn them, live them, love them.

Now go eat your popcorn you mouthy bastards.

#17 - Movie Companies destroying beloved comic characters.

2009-05-04T11:53:00.001-07:00

I went to see 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine' the other day. Now as comic book movies go, it wasn't up there with 'The Dark Knight' or 'Iron Man', neither was it like the original 'Nick Fury' movie with David Hasselhoff, it was an alright middle ground movie, something you could watch with a tub of popcorn and forget about as soon as you leave.

6.5 out of 10, a three star flick, one thumb up and one thumb down, and so on.

Now, I didn't have a problem with alot of the plot holes (How is it that Cyclops doesn't recognise Sabretooth in the first movie, seeing as how this is a prequel and 'The Tooth' is after Cyc in this one? and so on), I can suspend my disbelief there.
I can even over look the shoddy CGI and lousy effects (Look at Logan's claws in a few frames, they look terrible).

But what I CAN NOT over look is the cinematic RAPING of one of my favourite all time Marvel characters. I am, of course talking about the miscarriage of justice against one Wade Wilson, otherwise known as Deadpool.

The image below shows Mr. 'Pool in all his glory:

He is a funny, psychotic, witty, crazy, 4th wall breaking, full body cancer scared, merc' with a mouth. He was created as a knock off character from one of DC's characters, Deathstroke the Terminator by Rob Liefeld, and since his first incarnation some 20 years ago, he has grown into one of the best loved b-list "heroes" in the Marvel universe.

Next is "Deadpool" from 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine':

He's the one on the left hand side, just in case you didn't know.

First you will notice the lack of mask or costume, now this I'm okay with, you have to give the movie companies leeway in some things, and it's usually the costume that suffers (Remember no colourful spandex in the first X-Men movie?), but after that I can't forgive anything that 20th Century Fox (the company that owns the rights to X-Men) have done. Comic Deadpool is known to never shut up, he constantly jokes, makes pop-culture references, and mocks everyone and anything... Movie Deadpool has no mouth.

The 'Merc with the Mouth' has no mouth. ARSEHOLE FOX!

Next up comes the look of Deadpool. Deadpool is hideously scared all over his body due to an implanted healing factor attacking his cancer, and it has made him ugly to look at under his mask... Movie Deadpool has the body of an Olympic swimmer, those marks are made from a felt-tip marker in order to add Adamantium at a later point.

Deadpool is not ugly and was going to get Adamantium bones. GOD DAMMIT FOX!

Lastly, Movie Deadpool has swords growing out of his arms... he is Barraka from Mortal Kombat 2

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.... (thats internet lingo, my rage has passed the pain barrier)

Deadpool is not a hard character to make come to life, all ne needs is a mask, swords, guns and a quick mouth. How the hell did Fox screw that up?

I'll leave you with one good thing that came out of the movie, Ryan Reynolds played Wade Wilson before all this crap happened to him, and he played him beautifully.

#16 - The Internets lack of Forsight on April Fools Day.

2009-04-01T10:35:00.000-07:00

...WHAT THE CRAP?!!

It's April 1st, other wise known as "April Fools Day", where are all the really lame gags and stuff that I come to expect from the internet every year?

Google: Nothing

4Chan: Nada

Deviant Art: Zip

Most of the major webcomics: not a sausage

"It's April WHAT day? ...never heard of it"

The only ones that seem that have made any noticeable attempt have been Think Geek and I Want One Of Those .com ...but they do the same "fake product" gag every year.

What the hell internet, gimmie the lulz already.

#15 - Jeremy Kyle

2009-02-27T16:24:00.000-08:00

"DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER?!!"

"DO YOU WANT TO COME ON TO TV, IN FRONT OF A LARGE STUDIO AUDIENCE AND AIR IT OUT FOR THE WORLD TO SEE?!!"

"DNA TEST, LIE DETECTOR TEST, DNA TEST, LIE DETECTOR TEST, DNA TEST, LIE DETECTOR TEST, DNA TEST, LIE DETECTOR TEST, DNA TEST, LIE DETECTOR TEST!!!"

"I AM JEREMY KYLE, COME ON MY SHOW AND LET ME YELL AT YOU!!!"

"Hmm... maybe, if I YELL loud enough, people won't realise that I have

no real desirable talent. My GOD, it just might work."

Those four, loud, obnoxious, annoying lines of dialogue above the picture of the hideous man, are basically what the "Jeremy Kyle Show" is all about.
He is Britain's answer to Jerry Springer... only not as funny, charming, witty or likeable in any way, shape or form as Jerry. Jeremy's style of interviewing is to yell at people, even when they are answering his questions in a calm and dignified manner and then demand a DNA Test or a Lie Detector Test for any thing he wants:

Want to know who your baby mama is?

"DNA TEST!"

Want to know if your husband is cheating on you?

"LIE DETECTOR TEST!"

Can't decide what to have for dinner?

"DNA TEST, LIE DETECTOR TEST, ACIDITY TEST, IQ TEST, TEST THE NATION, THE ASHES: FIRST TEST"

Just once I'd like to see a guest of his slug him out and tell him to STFU (Internet slang, Kids... it's the way of the future).

Thats Jeremy Kyle... the main reason why people with more then 2 brain-cells to rub together switch over to BBC1.

#14 - Twilight... ju-just Twilight (a bandwagon post)

2009-01-06T12:15:00.000-08:00

...I'll be with you in a second, I just have to jump on this bandwagon before it passes.

Okay, So Twilight, the new teen sensation written by Stephanie Mayer (I think that's her name, I don't care enough to check) about Vampires and chicks in love with said vampires and werewolves in love with said chick.

I'll be honest, I've not read the book (nor do I have a desire to) and I've not seen the movie (nor do I have a desire to), but I live on the internet, and the internet is where shit spreads like a virus.

I've come to the conclusion that that is what Twilight is... shit.

Pure Shit

Pure, straight from the ass, shit

"But Adam..." I hear all of my invisible readers yell in unison, "How can you label something 'Shit' if you have not read or seen it?"

Well my invisible readers I shall tell you, there is one very good reason why I describe this series of "novels" (I gaged as I wrote that) 'Shit'...

VAMPIRES SHOULD NOT SPARKLE LIKE DIAMONDS IN THE SUNLIGHT!

DEAR GOD, Did this woman research her topic at all?

Main Rules about Vampires:

Vampires do not like Garlic, Vampires will die from a stake through the heart, Vampires can not cross running water, and VAMPIRES TURN TO ASH WHEN THEY ARE HIT BY SUNLIGHT!

It's the number one rule when writing about vampires, KEEP THEM OUT OF THE FUCKING SUN!

...look at him shine.

Maybe I'm a little hard on the book, maybe there's some redeeming qualities that I'm missing, maybe it's just one big book of satire, maybe it's-

http://psa.blastmagazine.com/2008/08/16/twilight-sucks-and-not-in-a-good-way/

http://shinga.deviantart.com/art/Head-Trip-Twilight-Sucks-85504254

http://crimsonietta.net/2008/07/twilight-sucks-or-how-to-offend-teenage-girls/

Huh... well I guess over 4,700,000 Google search responses can't be wrong (seriously, Google "Why Twilight Sucks")

DIBS ON THE TRUMPET!

#13 - People who wait until they get to the front of the line before they decide what to order.

2009-01-02T14:40:00.000-08:00

What the hell, general population of the world?

We all get hungry, we all like to go to places we know to get a fix for the munchies, we always order the same thing (cheese burger, large fries, the same sub from Subway, chicken salad, etc.), so tell me why people always take 10 minutes to decide what the hell they want when they get to the till?

"Dude, what the hell, I want to get my McNugget on."

Hell, even when they are in line, they could look at the big board and decide what they want there and they... but do they? NO! they screw around at the front "umm'in" and "ahhh'in", asking if the latte comes with full fat milk or soya milk, talking on their phone via bluetooth head set about what to have for lunch as they line up, paying for everything in pennies, and then complaining when the people behind the counter get their order ever so slightly wrong.

If you are one of these people, then please die and go to hell... you'll be doing the world a favour.

#12 - Man Flu not getting the respect it deserves.

2008-12-16T13:09:00.000-08:00

Forget cancer, forget AIDs, and forget... other bodily ailments, "Man Flu" is the number one sickness attacking half the population of the world today.

Man Flu is a crippling illness that can drop a muscle-bound Hercules to his knees in less the 24 hours, it is the cause of many a sick day from work and has also averted a war or two (the third world war was called of because one of the generals had the Man Flu and no one wanted to catch it... thats why that period of history is called the "Cold War").

Man Flu can attack anyone with a penis at any moment at any point in their life, the causes can not be explained, scientists have tried and have failed countless times over the known history of mankind.

I salute you, you brave warrior.

How to know if a man has Man Flu:

1) He will complain about his joints being sore

Lo, behold this once great opener of jars and bottles, this knight of "lifting-things" deemed to heavy for any mere mortal, this... KING of the bench-press (2 is a high number, thank you very much). This stallion of a human being must obviously be suffering from something akin to the bubonic plague if he can no longer do the things that once made women's knees go weak at the very sight of him doing them.

2) Runny nose

Beware the demon that slumbers inside the mighty one's nasal passage, for once awoken, this foul beast shall render you asunder with it's mighty bellow of "ACHOO, ACHOO", and ye once proud clothes shall no longer be called as such due to the clear mucus expelled upon ye.

3) and a sore throat

Oh, be still my once proud champion, for your mighty and courageious voice can no longer shake the halls of vallhalla, thine voice is no more. *a hushed silence for the silence*

4) General Bitchyness

Look... women are alowed to be bitches for 3 days every month, and yet when it's time for a little pay-back, it's all "blah, blah, blah", "moan, moan, moan", "nag, nag, nag".
Well ladies, enjoy the taste of your own medicine... tastes sour doesn't it.

In closing, Man Flu is a desaese that causes time off work, long peiods of time in bed and having everyone else wait on you hand and foot...

Wait, I'm complaining about this?
This is the greatest scam that man has ever created.

...erm, the preceeding post was about "Whitey keeping the brotha's down", AND NOTHING ELSE!!

...I'm gonna go work on my fake cough now.

#11 - crocs

2008-12-08T13:57:00.000-08:00

God. Damn. You.

You people made these things popular, these little plastic sandals with the holes in them, these pastel coloured abominations of foot ware, the "shoes" of questionable merit.

What the hell use are they?

The make your feet smell (we know, because of the holes), if you step in a puddle your feet are screwed, wet and pruney and they make you look like you can't afford proper shoes.

If you want a comfortable shoe that looks good, then get some trainers ("Sneakers" for my American compatriots), they look good, they don't make you look stupid and they keep your feet dry.

People that wear crocs are holding back evolution. There. I said it... I feel better.
I'm not kidding here, Cavemen went through thousands of designs until they found the right mammoth hide that kept their feet all snuggley and warm and dry, and a few million years later you arseholes come along and drill holes in your shoe.

You make Grandpa Homo-Erectus very unhappy.

The only thing worse then crocs would be a combination of corc and Ugg boots, thank God that those don't exis-

I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it.

...God. Damn. You.

tumbleweed

2008-12-08T13:47:00.000-08:00

So.... who sucks when it comes to updating his "RAGE" blog?

I suck when it comes to updating my "RAGE" blog.

I'm sorry my many valued readers, I'm sure you're out there somewhere, I apologise for not updating this ghastly beast more often, it's just that stuff keeps happening.

Like...

I get distracted by shiny objects

I put on hold the things I took up whilst I was putting other things on hold, whilst I was considering putting other things on hold... I re-read that sentence and it DOES make sense

And I just didn't have that much rage in my heart as I used too.

BUT THATS ALL CHANGED BABY, Lock Grandma in the closet, shoot the pets and drown the kiddies, because Daddy is back and he's gonna VENT LIKE HE'S NEVER VENTED BEFORE!!

It's good to be back internet... it's good to be back.

#10 - Perfume Adverts

2008-09-13T12:47:00.000-07:00

Filmed in Black and White, a woman runs down a beach in the middle of a rain storm, her white cotton dress clings to her body, she falls to the ground but yet her make up and hair is still immaculate, she looks at the camera, puts a finger to her lips and goes "Shhhh". Cut to an ornate bottle slowly rising out of the sand...

Voice Over: "Pretentious" By Calvin Klein

The sad thing is, some one would buy it.

Each and every year they grow more numerous, each and every year they look more stylish, and each and every year they become more bat-poop insane.

What do these ads have to do with trying to sell you chemicals made from rhino horns, pulled out tiger teeth and the glands of a chameleon mixed with chocolate truffles, ground into a liquid that you spay to stop you smelling bad?

Heres my idea for a perfume advert if I got my way...

White backdrop, an ornate bottle is stood on a table, camera zooms in on it.

Voice Over: "Awesomeness" By Adam Malone... Buy it and you won't smell like crap.

...I would make millions.

#09 - The lack of foresight the shop at the top of the road had in restocking a certain alcoholic beverage.

2008-09-11T11:59:00.000-07:00

Oh sweet cider from Sweden, when shall I taste thine bountiful nectar again?

Ladies and Gentlemen, THIS...

Praise your new God, PRAISE IT!

IS THE BEST DRINK EVER!!

Do your tastebuds a favour and drink a gallon of it.

But to keep this little blog 'o mine on track, the shop at the top of the road used to stock it in abundance but have for some reason stopped.

Now I don't drink much, but I like what I do drink... FOR THE LOVE OF PEARS EVERYWHERE SHOP AT THE TOP OF THE ROAD, STOCK IT AGAIN!

#08 - Overuse of cursing using the "F" word

2008-09-08T11:17:00.000-07:00

If you travel by public transport, you have to put up with the general public at large, which can be a mixed blessing, on one hand you get to see a menagerie of people that will be unseen anywhere else, on the other hand you have to put up with jerks with a limited vocabulary.

Imagine the scene, you're on the train/bus/tram/whatever heading into work, holding onto the last tiny pieces of sleep, or reading a book in your own little world, when suddenly a loud yobbish voice echoes above your own private bliss...

Jerk 1 - "F***ing arseholes with their f***ing cars, almost f***ing ran me the f*** over"

Jerk 2 - "Thats f***ing harsh mate. Hey, did you see the footie last night? That f***ing defence gets f***ing worse each and every f***ing game, if they f***ing put me in charge, I'd show that f***ing team how to f***ing play f***ing football"

Continue ad nausiem.

"%@*! THE POLICE"

Now I uderstand the use of cursing and swearing, it's fun, it's amusing to the reactions on peoples faces and theres nothing better to yell when you do yourself an injury. But, COME ON, there are so many other swear words out there then Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo.

Heres a list off the top of my head:

Shit, Piss, Cunt, Cock, Twat, Damn, Hell , Bitch, Arse, Dick

And then theres the lenghening of words:

Mother-Fucker, Shit-Head, Dick-Head, Cock-Sucker

There are so many variations of swear words, so lets save the bigest one for when it really matters. What do you arse-holes fucking say?

#07 - Sunny Week Days, Rainy Weekends

2008-09-06T12:53:00.000-07:00

I imagine that, like the majority of the internet public, have a job of some kind, it might be a job fixing broken computers, picking up trash, baking cookies or cleaning up elephant dung, whatever the case may be, it's likely that you have (or have had) a job at some point.
It's also very likely that this job was worked on a 9 to 5 time scale, 8 hour time scale (Could be 8 to 4, or 6 to 2, whatever), and if this is the case, then it is very likely that your weekends were free.

Jobs are (for the most part) Soul crushing, desire killing, dream smashing parts of life that we all need to do for about 50 years, we do it because we need money, we need money because we want things and we want things because things make us happy, so we put up with the 8 hour a day, 5 days a week torture, we're miserable, we're cranky and we hate what we do...

But there is an upside, the weekend.

Ah the weekend, the two days out of the 7 where we can do whatever the hell we want and be dammed with the consequence. We look forward to the weekend as soon as we clock in first thing on Monday, we fantasise about the glorious freedom we have by Tuesday, we salivate at the thought of doing nothing by Wednesday, on Thursday we're excited about the two days of bliss, and on Friday we can't think of anything else, You've called up your friends and you plan the night out, you plan on going out during the day to get some new threads to help pick up chicks, you chuckle at the thought of a mad hangover on the Sunday and then the lazy day you're gonna have in the garden, with a niced cool can of your favourite booze and a copy of the Sunday's (Thats the sunday paper), bliss.
You look out of your office window and note that it's sunny as hell and has been for the past week, fantastic you think, a nice weekend to do what you want, you can't wait.

You wake up saturday morning, still wozzy from sleep, but happy that the weekend has started, you open your curtains to look at the sunny day ahead of you...

...and you find that God is doing the flooding of the earth thing again.

I blame you for this, Micheal Fish

Where is the justice in the universe? You worked hard for the weekend, you should be able to enjoy it, but no, Mother Nature has decided to give you the finger and create a new ocean with in the 50 mile circumference around your house. You sigh, find your dreams have been dashed by an anthropomorphic personification of seasons and weather and crawl back into bed until monday.

Leaving only to bitch about it on your blog.

#06 - Missed Updates

2008-09-05T11:54:00.000-07:00

Oops...

"YOU SUCK, STICK MAN"

...my bad.

#05 - Waking Up (Or: Sleep time being shorter then awake time)

2008-09-03T12:27:00.001-07:00

Sleep, it's something we all do and it's something that the majority of us enjoy, we relax, dream and recharge our batteries after a long hard day.

So why does it feel like the second we close our eyes, we're opening them again?

Zzz... must not fail test... Zzz... where the hell are my pants?.. Zzz

I enjoy me sleep immensely, there are few things better in this world then getting beneath your covers, snuggling down, getting comfy on the pillows and drifting off into a deep slumber. But I can't enjoy it, because the next thing I know my alarm is ringing and it's time to get up and earn my way in the world.

I don't want much, I just want my 6 to 8 hours to feel like 6 to 8 hours, rather then the 10 seconds they feel like right now, I want to know that I was asleep and enjoying it, I want to delve into my dreams and examine the world my mind has created for me, I just want my 6 to 8 hours to feel like something worth while, rather then wasted.

Well, unfortunately it's one of the few things we can't actually change.

Now excuse me, I need to put on my Jim-Jams.

#04 - People talking in public bathrooms when I'm trying to poop

2008-09-02T11:39:00.001-07:00

This one is pretty specific.

I can't go when people are making noise outside the stall. I need total concentration to focus on my sphincter and evacuate my bowels, and I can't do that when you're talking about how you got laid last night, or how your team lost the big game.

Is there anything more beautiful after a day of spicy food?

Picture the scene:

You're sat on the porcelain throne, pants around your ankles, you're in your own peaceful little zen of a world, about to reach a higher place of conciousness and ready to relax your bung-hole, you're ready for it, you've prepared, THIS IS YOUR MOMENT TO SHINE! When suddenly you hear...

"DUDE, IT FEELS LIKE I NEED TO SHIT OUT A STEAM BOAT!"

It's gone, your concentration has vanished, all your hard work is for naught and your epic poop becomes a damp squib that you'll only be able to get rid of half now and the rest when you get home.

Gentlemen, we all know the urinal rule, so let us add another rule to the list:

"When someone is taking a dump, shut the hell up"

#03 - Writers Block

2008-09-01T12:09:00.000-07:00

...

I wandered softly as a... as a... Sod it, I'm going to the pub

Seriously hate it.

#02 - Ewoks

2008-08-31T08:02:00.000-07:00

How do you ruin a perfectly good space epic, one that has entertained millions of people around the world no less, without the use of CGI or "enhancing" the finished product a few years later?

You make a planet of teddy bears and make them kick an army's ass using sticks and rocks.

"Run, it's got a stick, AAAGGGHHH!!"

I'll be honest, what with un-needed "Special Editions", CGI Gophers and Monkeys, and Jar Jar Binks, Ewoks don't rank as high on the "list of colossal screw ups George Lucas has made" any more. But they still deserve a verbal ass whupin'.

I hate the Ewoks, I hated them as a kid and I hate them now.
I knew something was wrong when I first saw them defeat the Storm Troopers in the forrest moon of Endor, but I couldn't figure it out until later, sure you have Han and Leia blasting away at the imperial menace with gay abandon and you also have chewie hijacking a "chicken-leg" walker and blowing crap all... it's all gravy right? WRONG.

The Ewoks help, fair enough as much help is needed, but they help by throwing sticks and rocks...

I'll let that sink in for a second

...STICKS AND ROCKS AGAINST THE BEST THE EMPEROR HAS TO OFFER (He said so himself)

Storm Trooper - "Hey guys, good thing lord Vader gave us this armour to protect us against laser blasts and the vacuum of space huh? Yup, nothing can stop us no-" *Get's beaned by a rock and dies*

Now, I can't lay all the blame on the 4 foot teddies, technicaly someone should have gone down to Endor and killed them all before the satelite was built, but still...

When the Galatic History Books are written, it won't say that the empire was brought down by a group of Rebles led by a plucky young Jedi by the name of Skywalker, oh no, it will say that the biggest threat to galactic peace was halted, stopped in it's tracks, by a bunch of teddy bears with a stick.

...The Empire deserves better then that.

#01 - Dawdlers

2008-08-30T14:22:00.000-07:00

A bane on the consumers of the world, they are.

Dawdlers, for the uninformed, are those people who, when your out shopping for a good book/a nice pair of jeans/a squid or other sea swimming animal, just seem to amble in front of you and refuse to go faster then half a foot an hour.

They are not shopping, they are not there to spend hard earned wads of money on CD's, DVD's, Clothing, Electrical's or food stuffs, no, they are just there to get in your God Dammed way and make you slow down to their pace.

You can't over take them, for they seem to know which way you're going to go before you do... see, not only are they slow and in your way, THEY ARE ALSO BLEEDIN' PSYCHIC.

God Dammit, MOVE!!

...when I'm elected ruler (read: dictator) of this country, I shall see to it that every consumer is issued with taser guns to use on "dawdlers" with impunity.